Why I bring a sandwich to a fight
and other relationship advice I wish I'd known years ago
If you could read your way to the perfect relationship, body, family or life, mine would be far more flawless than they currently are. Unfortunately, the gap between written theory and lived reality is wide, but this doesn’t stop me from trying to shrink the gap as much as possible, one chapter at a time.
Romantic relationships—endlessly complicated yet uniquely gratifying—have long fascinated me, and dozens of books on the topic have graced the bedside table. There have been memoirs on modern dating to philosophers dissecting romanticism, academics critiquing domestic labour, and psychologists unpacking attachment.
Of course, reading about how to do relationships better is one thing. Applying it to real life is another, far clunkier and tender thing. Still, I’ve seen my marriage shift—in the language we use, in the practices we follow.
Here are a few of the ones that have stuck and changed the way we do life and love.
Escape the rescue-rage loop
The book that most reshaped how I approach relationships began with a podcast. After listening (and listening again, then again) I purchased and furiously underlined Melody Beattie’s book Codependent No More.
As a stubbornly independent person, I’d always tune out anything relating to codependency, which I assumed was like being a meek person with separation anxiety.
Then, I heard Beattie’s definition: “allowing another person's behaviour to control you and being obsessed with controlling that person” or being unable to stop ‘helping’ someone.
This, I deeply related to. As well as the rescue-rage loop, which occurs when you take responsibility (often without them asking) for their problems, thoughts/feelings, growth or well-being, then are resentful or self-pitying because they aren’t thankful enough or compliant.
After thoroughly detailing codependency, Beattie offers signs you need to ‘detach’ and how to do so lovingly; processes I continue to work through and feel immense freedom and space from.
Figure your own sh*t out
Knowing yourself is half the battle. Communicating it to the other person is the other half, but you can’t communicate what you aren’t aware of. It’s also not your partner’s job to work out why you have certain behaviours or insecurities. This is a discovery you must do for yourself.
Past experiences form tender scars that prompt fear or deep hurt over something others wouldn’t think twice about. Fortunately, the magic doesn’t come from overcoming the narratives or insecurities that manifest as triggers or unwanted habits (although working towards that is helpful). Instead, the magic happens when we share these things with our partners.
It’s context, plain and simple. When my husband withdrew during a recent long drive, it was frustrating when he said everything was fine. The issue? He wasn’t sure why he felt off. A few hours later, it hit him—he was anxious because he wasn’t driving. Sharing this gave me context, making it far easier to be compassionate and adjust my behaviour in the future.
Spell out the obvious
This leads to the next point: Normalise! Voicing! Preferences and Desires! Even if they feel needy or excessive, small or blatantly obvious. Better yet, especially if they do. Whether it’s wanting a good morning text when apart, cuddling after sex or them to cook dinner, make ‘explicitly verbalising what you want’ as mundane as brushing your teeth.
Does this mean you’ll always get it? No. It’s not an ultimatum or a demand. But, as Amir Levine and Rachel Heller write in Attached: “By spelling out your needs, you are making it a lot easier for your partner to meet them. He or she doesn’t need to guess whether something is bothering you – or what that something is.”
In short, don’t hold secret expectations and hope they’ll fulfil them. Ask. Is it less romantic? Perhaps, but someone hearing your desire and making an effort to fulfil it is arguably much more loving.
Bring a snack to a fight
People say “Never go to bed on an argument” and most blindly believe it but I’ve since done a total 180.
Go to sleep on an argument! Eat on an argument! Hit the gym on an argument and leave them to attend that social event you’ll otherwise miss mid-argument! In other words, tend to the small, seemingly unrelated things that can magnify discord.
Hunger, time pressure, tiredness or other stressors don’t necessarily create the issues but can aggravate disagreements. It’s often only after a sandwich, a good night’s sleep or a fun night out with friends that you gain perspective or space that enables you to confront it more lovingly.
It’s why we aim (and I stress the “aim” part of this) to air things before 9pm and after eating. When time isn’t tight and we’ve had a chance to discuss other stressors.
Radically redefine forgiveness
For years, I believed one accepted an apology when they were no longer hurting or when things felt “okay”; a belief that caused a pretty significant amount of difficulty.
Withholding forgiveness was also a supremely effective way to communicate how hurt I was and how wrong I thought they were. I’ve only recently learned the flaws in this definition.
In his book Bold Love, Dan Allender sketches out a different way: “To forgive another means to cancel the debt of what is owed to provide a door of opportunity for repentance and restoration of the broken relationship”
Accepting an apology doesn’t mean things are okay, with yourself or your partner. Instead, it means you’re willing to start the process of making things okay, together. An apology is the beginning of amends, not the end.
A monthly board meeting—but make it romantic
This one admittedly came from an Instagram reel my husband shared (the 2025 equivalent of ‘reading something in The New York Times’) but its value far outweighs any cringe about the source.
In the clip, a quintessential industry bro explains how he treats his marriage like a business. This involves weekly “marriage meetings”.
I loved this idea for the same reason I love Alain de Botton’s Course of Love1; it acknowledges the lie that good relationships come naturally without structures or hard work. It would be insane to assume other relational institutions (a business, church or social movement) would work seamlessly without meetings.
So, every month, we discuss a set list of areas such as finances, schedules, domestic work and sex. It’s a time to check in on past issues, get aligned on upcoming events and celebrate the wins.
Yet, most importantly, it’s a dedicated space to raise the paper cut hurts or tiny wins that you wouldn’t bother to discuss unprompted but can add up over time. Plus, we both find ourselves significantly less defensive when raising issues during a time designed to do just that.
Set boundaries but know who they are for
How I did relationships shifted profoundly after reading Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend and Nedra Tawwab’s Set Boundaries Find Peace. Not because I didn’t have boundaries but because I had been using them wrong.
Unfortunately, boundaries aren’t rules to control others. Fortunately, that means they about your behaviour and so are in your control. Boundaries transform relationships by communicating expectations, clarifying consequences and cutting out a tonne of resentment.
For example, if you have a social event, the boundary isn’t “You must be ready at 5pm, or else I won’t drive you there”. Instead, it's about you, and it could be, “I value being on time, so I will leave at 5pm, and I hope you can come with me”.
Drop the digs
Don’t make digs, even ones cloaked as jokes because the line between comedy and complaint is thin and few people strike it right. Don’t bitch about their irritating quirks or air the dirty laundry and don’t let others either.
One couple models this with such integrity that they have a reputation among our friends. We know they won’t join relationship vents or allow harsh jokes about their partner to go undefended. The result? They escape the all-too-common group pile-ons, where people collectively complain about the person they’ve chosen to be with.
This isn’t about pretending your relationship is perfect but choosing a few people who can hear it all and actually provide helpful advice or an empathetic ear. There is a difference between honesty and unfiltered, total disclosure and not every friend or colleague needs to know about your messiness—or their irritating habits.
My relationship is far from perfect, and books aren’t a silver bullet. But when you soak your mind in new ways of doing old dances, slow, quiet change takes root.