It was November 2019 when Christmas, as I had known it, changed for good.
Like so many others, I was staring down the barrel of December, steeling myself for the month of manic present planning and purchasing.
There would be getting something ‘from’ my brother and for my sister, a group item for our mother and another for our father (which had to be something affordable, that he would like but didn’t already own in 5 different colours).
Then, we had the extended family Secret Santa and the friends' Secret Santa, the additional gifts for close mates, presents for partners and little tokens for colleagues.
Alongside gift buying, there would also be the equally classic Christmas ritual of commiserating about the cost of our time, schedule, and sanity. Instead of weekend plans or weather, watercooler chat turns to purchasing progress; whether we’re ‘done’ or ‘haven’t even started’.
Although, for me, the actual buying was never the struggle. What dreaded was the tiring politics that forced you to guess the amount of money or effort others would put in and try to match it like a weird festive Russian Roulette.
Having given and received a well-thought-out gift, I know how beautiful the practice can be. Not only do you get (insert item here) but you feel known by the person who gave it.
However, year after year, I realised 90% of the Christmas gifts I exchanged weren’t this kind of present. Instead, they were $30-50 pieces of kitsch from lifestyle stores, something expensive and unwanted (my nightmare), or exactly what I wanted but had bought for someone to give me.
I don’t know why November 2019 was the year it all became too much, but it was. What came next, as I’ve passionately expounded to close friends, casual acquaintances, and the odd stranger, changed my experience of December.
The idea our family adopted is simple. Instead of buying gifts for one another, we enter our names into an online Secret Santa generator. Some families already use this system (and I toast to their wisdom), but we added a second rule; the gift had to be a book.
The brilliance of this system is twofold.
Firstly, it uses limitations to enable richer meaning. Restricted to one person and even one type of gift, you suddenly have more time and mental bandwidth to find something the person will really love. Maybe it’s a topic they’re passionate about, a book by an author you know they rated highly on Goodreads, or about a stage of life they’re heading into.
Secondly, it presents an alternative cultural script that frames love, joy and objects in a way that better suits our family.
Currently, the common Christmas script is capitalist in nature; measuring love and joy by the cost and quantity of gifts exchanged. According to this framework, people who give and receive lots of expensive gifts are both happier and love or appreciate one another more.
However, as we realised in 2019, while this script is a popular one in Western society at Christmas, it is, like all cultural norms, optional and free to revise. There are other ways to measure the success of a day or your appreciation of a person than flashy gadgets or unnecessary homewares. New measures could be time spent together or shared activities, a collaborative group meal or exchanging written cards.
The point is, you don’t have to accept a script you’ve inherited from previous generations or people around you if it does not fit.
That last part is important because, when it comes to gift-giving, some families hit it out of the tinsel-covered park.
They are not only great at buying each other the perfect things but adore the process of planning, purchasing then opening gifts on Christmas Day. To these people, the popular script works, so I say right on, keep doing what you’re doing.
But if you found yourself sprinting around packed malls, mentally stressed and financially strapped, if you’ve spent too much time and money buying meaningless kitsch or pre-approved items because Christmas ‘has to’ involve presents, it might be time to tweak or reimagine this tradition to suit your family or friends.
Unfortunately, unless your family is devastatingly disorganised, it’s too late to shake up Christmas for 2022.
But as you come together for a few hours, or days over the festive season, it may be time to offer up the question; is the current script working for us? Or are there ways we can change how Christmas looks, from gifts and meals to stockings or carols, to achieve what these things were always meant to do; express gratitude and cultivate joy amongst the people we love.
Happy Holidays friends,
Sarah
Can not imagine buying for Mike or Barb😂😂. Great piece but Christmas does change with the family structure your season will be so different next year. Have an awesome day.