If the saying is true, and ‘once is chance, twice is coincidence and third time is a pattern’ then the phenomenon of ‘not feeling like going to the thing but then feeling glad I went’ is the trend currently governing my social life.
Here’s what happens. At some point during any given week, I’m filled with the desire to plan something FUN! And EXCITING! Something I can anticipate during the more mundane or challenging days.
It could be a Wednesday night salsa class or a weekend brunch; a fancy date night dinner or a group movie night. Regardless, I’ll gather a group on Facebook messenger and rally a crew to ‘do a thing’.
Alternatively, if a friend suggests something, I’m the shameless person who will blast the group chat or event page with excessively enthusiastic gifs and messages.
And at the time, my response genuine. I really am buoyed at the prospect of friends getting together to pursue fun times. Yet, all too often, in the time between organising and attending, a severe 180 takes place and on the list of ‘things I feel like doing’, dressing up and going out falls dead last.
But then, I go. Usually because of some external obligation (I’ve bought a ticket, booked a table, invited someone along, or cancelled on too many things in a row so my best friend will literally kill me if I flake again). And within minutes, if not seconds, of being at the thing, I’m so bloody glad I am.
Fast forward to the next event and it’s back to square one; a testament to how often someone can be surprised by the exact same sequence of events: plan the thing → anticipate the thing → dread going to the thing → relief and joy I went to the thing.
It’s a sequence especially suited to winter too. Days darken at 5 pm and never really warm up, so we hustle home from work, where, upon peeling off work clothes and cranking the heater, leaving feels akin to ripping a strip of wax off your leg; a call that seemed great beforehand (saving money!) and great in the future (smooth legs!) but at present, seems more trouble and discomfort than it’s worth.
The issue is that, when we plan or rsvp, the event may exist in the soft-focus future, blurry and uncertain, but so does the effort required to get there.
It’s only later, right before the event when this balance inverts and we’re confronted with the cold, hard reality of ‘getting there’ while the joy of ‘being there’ remains trapped in the distant-feeling future.
Combine this with our generation’s ability to communicate (and cancel) instantly, and it can make for a life that resembles a waste paper basket full of abandoned plans.
All too aware of how we love to catastrophise the current generation’s behaviour, I asked my mum how she cancelled plans back in the 70s and 80s.
“Well, we didn’t,” she said. “Sure, you could call their landline, but if they weren’t home or the line was busy, you couldn’t let them know, so you sort of had to show up.”
Today, however, we can tap out in a few taps; offer up any reason that is always, essentially, the same reason — I don’t feel like prioritising this anymore.
Sure, we can add layers of detail to make it sound more acceptable; something else ran late, it’s pouring with rain, we’re exhausted from a busy day/week/life, or any other iteration of a proverbial cat being stuck up a tree. But strip it back and you often find the same bones; a change in feeling that prompts a change in plans.
The funny thing is (and what I find myself re-realising almost daily right now) is just how unreliable our feelings can be. How easily fatigue or resistance can morph into joy or enthusiasm, simply by treating my mind like a recalcitrant toddler and dragging it out to ‘do the thing’.
The tendency to treat one’s fickle feelings like an unwavering true North makes sense when we consider the society we live in. Mainly, one founded upon Cartesian Dualism, which separates the mind from the body and gives it superiority.
Day in and out, through the most subtle (or explicit) of nudges, we’re encouraged to resist external obligations so we’re free to follow our feelings, and little else. #youdoyouboo.
And sure, our emotions can be a helpful decision-making guide; they just shouldn’t be the only one calling the shots because, as everyone knows, they’re about as reliable as the weather in Auckland.
Acknowledging this is helpful but don’t erase the costs of ‘doing the thing’. It will still be cold and dark, getting ready will take time and effort and the evening will still involve moments of boredom or awkwardness.
But, more often than not, the net positives win out, despite what my feelings suggested earlier. Which does make you reflect on all the board game nights/music gigs/salsa classes or weekend hikes you missed, convinced that staying in would make you feel better.
Picking this apart with a friend, we wondered whether the solution lay in creating external obligation whenever possible. Maybe we should attend more ticketed events, invite people we couldn’t cancel on or host the thing (a tactic I often use to stop myself from flaking)? But as someone who pendulum swings between loving commitment and fluidity, this felt too legalistic.
A better solution instead, was one my sister and I unintentionally created on the way to a baby shower in 2020. Despite talking about how excited we were to go, all week, when the Saturday afternoon rolled around, it was the last thing we felt like doing.
Unable to flake guilt-free, we made a pact to go for 30 minutes. That was it. A period of time long enough to have ‘been there’ but short enough to feel achievable.
The funny thing was, after we poured a glass of champagne and mingled with old friends, an hour had passed. We gave each other the nod, said our goodbyes and left.
To this day, the 30-minute rule has been a helpful one. When my feelings were right and I should have stayed home, I honour commitments to events or people (win) without having to stay too long (win). When my feelings were up to be changed, I can enjoy a thing I would have otherwise skipped.
Fortunately, the sun is making more appearances, which means warmer weather and less temptation to flake on things.
But in the meantime, I’ll be out here reminding myself that, even when Netflix and sweatpants call, it’s often worth putting on the hype playlist and going to the thing, if not for a good time, at least a short time.
So, that’s what I’ve been thinking. As always, if you have thoughts or feelings about the above, hit that reply button. And, if you enjoyed reading, send it on to a mate 🤍
Sarah