What makes a good friend, and if you find one, how do you cultivate a good friendship?
Is ‘easiness’ an indication you’re well-matched, or can a great friendship still be bloody hard work? And if yes, how much hard work and for how long?
When does a challenging time stop being a season we must weather and become a sign we’ve changed in incompatible ways?
Why is it that we can break up with a boyfriend but not a best friend? How is it that the struggle of making (and maintaining) friends is a topic almost exclusively reserved for those aged 5 to 20? As if, after college, we’ve used up our allotted time allowed to find our people.
A lot of questions about friendship, I know, but they’ve all been making little eddies in my mind over these last few weeks; stilled only by reading a book, or, more specifically, a model for friendship that I believe should be in everyone’s emotional first aid kits.
Cultural critics have long bemoaned pop culture’s utter lack of interest in the dynamic, gnarly, satisfying relationship found between friends.
To their point, we can probably list dozens of films, tv shows, novels and songs about the spark and strife between lovers. Swap the protagonists out for friends, however, and suddenly we’re stumped.
As one could assume, this is slightly problematic. Not only because of the monotony (there are only so many ways you can spin 'person A falls for person B') but because it reinforces the popular assumption that, while romantic relationships demand struggle and sacrifice, intentional pursuit and quality time and perhaps therapy, friendships should easily, smoothly fill the spaces between without compromise or inconvenience.
Anyone with a good friend will know, this is absolutely not the case.
Just like with romantic partners, great friendship isn't achieved by finding the ‘perfect’ friend who will never burden you and always meet your needs (in which case, you’ve probably found a dog). Instead, it’s about finding someone good with whom you can commit to doing life with, through the highs and the lows.
It’s from this commitment that you reap a friendship that is rich yet light, where you’re both known and accepted but also challenged and encouraged. You have the late-night chats about tender insecurities but also the wildly fun, pointlessly silly moments that make this life worth living.
The catch is that it takes work. Or, to use a model by an expert on friendship, it takes a triangle of Positivity, Consistency and Vulnerability.
The art of ‘Friendtimacy’
I’m not going to lie, walking around holding Shasta Nelson’s book ‘Friendtimacy’ is a good exercise in humility. One that makes you realise just how acute societies fear of loneliness is. We never want to have to admit that we’re seeking friends or wondering how to do friendship better.
For me, reading the book was the latter, after a friend started raving about how some triangle would transform my view on friendship. Admittedly, it’s come close. Maybe it will for you too.
In Friendtimacy, Nelson defines a friendship as a mutual relationship between two people that is positive, consistent and vulnerable.
Similarly, in an interview with the Atlantic William Rawlins, a Professor of Interpersonal Communication at Ohio University who has studied friendships since the 80s, said during his research, people from 14 to 90 years old all expected three things from a close friend: “Somebody to talk to, someone to depend on, and someone to enjoy.”
Or, in Nelson’s words: Positivity, Consistency and Vulnerability.
The Friendtimacy Triangle
According to Nelson, point 1 of the triangle is Positivity. The more hedonistic of the three qualities, positivity is essential simply because we get to choose our friends, so it’s important we actually enjoy our time with them.
Next is ‘Consistency’. Point 2 of the triangle, consistency refers to the frequency with which you spend time together (which is key for building trust), as well as their character. Are they dependable, not only by showing up but by behaving in a somewhat reliable way?
Finally, Point 3 of the triangle is vulnerability. As the most important point, this should come last. Or, at least after consistency, so we are can incrementally reveal more of who we are as we build trust. When those little revelations are met with affirmation, acceptance or empathy, we’ll naturally share more.
As the logic goes; you can’t push vulnerability unless you have the trust that comes with consistency. However, you’ll only consistently meet with someone if it’s a joyful, positive experience.
Triaging with the triangle
Here’s the kicker; if a typically joyful, lifegiving friendship has turned negative or superfluous, or early days with a new friend you swore you liked feels super exhausting... your triangle is probably imbalanced.
As a model, it’s astoundingly simple and I’m sure a sociologist would have some nuance to add. Yet, through its simplicity, the triangle becomes a litmus test one can quickly use to identify what is off about their experience with a person.
To illustrate; some examples that most definitely are not from my life.
Despite loving weekly (consistency) coffee with a friend, you leave the last few weeks feeling drained and dreading the next. As old friends, it’s easy to share deeply about life’s stresses and insecurities (vulnerability). The issue? You’ve probably let positivity slip away, and should try to turn the conversation into more optimistic territory, or replace DMC coffees with a light-hearted activity for a while.
You just click with a person at an event and think you’ll be fast friends. But when getting dinner a week later, they start talking about their crippling anxiety, destructive family dynamic and string of failed relationships (vulnerability). Understandably, you feel a little overwhelmed; they’ve started with the pointiest part of the triangle, often as a way to fast-track a friendship.
For people who are your ride or die ‘people’, the inner circle, communicating about and maintaining these three levels is important.
Letting people be
However, the triangle in all its pointy glory isn’t always about filling in what’s missing but helping you accept other friends for who they are.
Most of us will have a mate who is an absolute riot at a party and can make dissolve you into tears of laughter (positivity), but is impossible to pin down (inconsistent), and hates deep, soppy chat (un-vulnerable).
On the other end of the triangle, there will be the people who are as serious as a heart attack (un-positive) but so dependable you could set your watch by them (consistency). During a group trip or adventure, these people are your lifesavers.
Here’s the kicker; very often, these people won’t want to be more consistent or positive or vulnerable, at least, not with you. And that is okay. The sooner we enjoy what those people do fulfil, without holding our breath or forcing them to change, the better.
If we want something richer or deeper, sure, test another side of the triangle out on them, and ideally communicate your desire to take things to the next platonic level (ooh la la). But if not, let them be.
So, that’s what I’ve been thinking.
Sharing is caring, so send this on to a friend you hits all the points of the triangle (or maybe one who could sharpen up a point or two).
P.S. If you’re yet to see the 2019 Sundance film ‘Animals’ (featured in the lead image), I cannot recommend it highly enough. Sharp, heartwarming and all about how two women go from inseparable friends to near-strangers through their twenties.
Sarah.